I might not be the best judge of how to use social media appropriately so I’m not sure why I’m writing this instructional post. But since I use Facebook to stave off boredom, I’ve learned a few “to-dos” and “to-don’ts.” (Cue “Waiting for Guffman” Dr. Pearl reference about sitting next to and studying the class clown.) And I will also provide how and when I have violated each rule (if I have).
1) Don’t post endless cell phone photos illustrating your day. “This is what I ate.” “This is what shoes I’m wearing.”
One mobile photo per day is enough. Do not post several poor quality phone photos of your children a day. And here’s the other tip: If you don’t have a newer smart phone, don’t post ANY pictures from your phone unless you spotted Loch Ness. And then no one will believe you because of the low resolution.
2) Do post all your pictures at once.
When you post your terrible photos, do a bunch at a time (see feature picture above) so it appears as one item on everyone’s news feed. Not a trillion of your child petting a llama at some off-brand zoo for dying animals in south Jersey.
3) Don’t use the comment area as your own private message board.
There is a “private message” feature on Facebook. There is also email. There is also a phone. Here’s an example: If a friend just relocated and they post “We moved!” don’t say something like, “My cousin’s boyfriend’s aunt lives in that town. Do you know Molly Fartsalot?” Why? Because loads of people would like to simply “like” that post (or picture) and you are jamming up the works. Don’t. Do. It.
4) Don’t use social media to issue thinly veiled insults or inspirational quotes aimed at a specific Facebook user.
If you are having relationship troubles (I feel bad for you, son) come on out and say it. Don’t beg for people to ask what is wrong. It is boring and unattractive. And what’s worse? When people repost memes. I would prefer those thinly veiled pleas or insults to be original. And biting. But they rarely are.
“My husband is a poophead” suffices. “He who gives up love is the one who truly loses love in his life” or other such nonsense is ill-making.
5) Don’t talk about how much beer and mulled wine you drank the night before.
If you’re my Facebook friend, you know I just did this. Again. Advice (I should give myself): You’re not in college. And even then it wasn’t cool to talk about quantity of alcohol. (This is an actual post-it note I wrote to myself.) (No, it’s not. But it should be.) And definitely don’t talk about how all the mulled wine caused you to cry while watching The Sound of Music.
6) Don’t laugh off any of your body parts in an abbreviation if what you said isn’t funny.
No unfunny observational posts without a punchline. Example: Has anyone noticed how the new Facebook changes are different! LMSFOI! (Note: this is a fake abbreviation) (as far as I can tell).
7) (Don’t) Bitstrips.
Why? Just why.
8) Do avoid gullible support of search optimization.
You know that picture of the injured kitten held by a person in a wheelchair holding a sign that says, “If I get 1 million likes, my mom will buy me 2 more kittens.” Those aren’t real people — this is scam called “like farming.” It is social media equivalent of the Ambassador from Zimbabwe emailing you that you now stand to inherit millions from a distant cousin. Scam.
Also, a picture will NEVER change if you type “Change!” in the comment section a thousand times. Never. It is still a picture of a girl with her top on. It will be forever.
9) Do/Don’t? Selfies.
You know I have a selfie problem. But what is my exact problem with selfies? I take too many but it is mostly because I spend all my time with my very young children and they cannot properly manage taking a flattering photo. Neither can my husband. Apparently, people hate selfies. I hate the ones where people don’t look like themselves but maybe I’m guilty of taking selfies that don’t look like me and that’s why the pictures other people take look so terrible. Uggh. That’s sobering.
I should have some more beer and mulled wine.
Want to add to the list? Please write a comment! What is your biggest social media pet peeve?